Tour Guide Speaks With Forked Tongue

Hawaii is a miraculous place, unique in all the world in hundreds of ways, and a visit here should be in every traveler’s bucket list. I really do enjoy having friends and relatives show up so we can take them to a few “local” spots and give them some insights they aren’t likely to get if they stick to the usual tourist attractions and take the packaged tours.

A cousin of mine was recently here on Maui for a couple of days and, as part of their sightseeing, they took a cruise along the coast of West Maui. It’s a glorious part of this island and you also get a great view of the Island of Molokai, just a few miles off to the northwest.

But during the cruise, the kid running the boat and providing the narrative pointed to the West Maui mountains behind Kapalua and toldhis passengers that “the wettest spot on earth” was back up there, adding that the rainfall there totaled some 400 inches a year.


Trouble is, that is absolute, total, 100 percent outrageous BS.

And potentially confusing, too, because the wettest spot on earth, which does indeed get 400 inches of rainfall every year, really is here in the Hawaiian Islands … but it’s 200-plus miles to the west atop Mount Waialeale on the Island of Kauai. And everyone living here knows that!

It really angers me when I hear about visitors getting bad information. No doubt in this case it was coming from some smart-alecky 20-something kid — probably from the mainland and here for a year or two of sun and fun — who’s working a few days a week as a tour guide to pay for his burgers and beer and some occasional pot.

I wish to hell I had been on that boat. I would have asked him if he knew what the Hawaiian word okole means. And if he didn’t, I’d have taught him by booting him there. Hell, I’d have booted him there even harder if he did know!